I think soul is not here to serve my mortal self and ambitions of my mortal self, it has its own ambition, which is beyond this life spin and so I may not comprehend why do I have these urges, how does it make sense and where it can take me. I also don't count on making sense of it all during my lifetime, although I have great desire to understand and see through the veils. Painting is one of these soul's urges, any creative process, any irrational act - any uncalculated act really. I think that only by following these urges I get glimpses of what's behind the veil. And I most arrogantly assume I know something about the soul, while I probably know mostly my soul via resisting its urges. For soul wants much of what I suppress for the sake of propriety. I think if we all started following our soul right now in each and every moment, we'd be considered madmen. I think soul is not a gentle creature. It is immensely powerful force and it does have a power to drive people mad, if they have a tendency to be more tuned in with the soul than the physical realm. Yet mostly we are not enough tuned in with the soul. Question is - what damage happens if we do not listen to the soul at all? Perhaps madness comes also from resisting soul's urges? As plain as it sounds, perhaps we need to utilize our rational mind to create safe container for our soul to express itself in all of its irrationality? Being an artist I think is about having a good chance at being an instrument in service of the soul, which has ambitions beyond ego self. It is a way to escape the ego and be part of something bigger, something that reaches beyond the reality we can observe.
In that moment I felt my soul was speaking and I could have gone on and on, but I judged it to become „too much“ and stopped there. Now I have no idea, what were all those thoughts that wanted to be expressed. Moment of inspiration is gone. But I remember thinking that being an artist is like being a shaman - you must be able to manoeuvre in both realities - physical and non-physical. You must be tapped into your soul and grasp the material plain at the same time. 100 % spirit and 100% matter. I want to end this discourse here, as I feel anxiety arising - so much that I’d love to express, but feel that abundance of words will not serve the purpose.
Perhaps as the last sentiment on the theme of urges - have you experienced how the things that make the least sense in the moment, end up having the deepest meaning in the long run? Those things that come up as an irrational urge and we ban them from our consciousness as irrelevant, nonsensical, even harmful? In reality they just scare us because they are the portals into the unknown, beyond the grasp of our control - and there it is where we are granted the glimpses behind the veil. They are the white rabbits, calling us to be Alices, to come and play, and in the process - grow beyond the limitations of our habitual, well examined, unadventurous perception.
explore, enjoy and expand,
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Ps the paintings used to illustrate this post are my earliest works, playful explorations with no expectation for the outcome.